Bad Timing, HA!

She looked at me with those eyes, those big fucking beautiful eyes, those eyes that made me fall in love with her 5 minutes earlier when she got on at the Belmont stop.

"It's just bad timing, I'm sorry." She said.

"You're sorry?" I replied with a snarl. "Why? Because not only is Time choking the life out of me, it's ruining my chances with the girl of my dreams?"

"We just met 5 minutes ago, you don't even know me." She said with a confused look on her face.

"There you go again with Time." I looked up at the ceiling exacerbated, on the verge of a total breakdown.

"You're crazy." She said over her shoulder as she quickly ran out the doors at La Salle.

Sonnet for My Female Robot Slave

With your beep and whir does my heart alight
As I see that knowing, blinkless look cast.
That longing sign of feminine delight
At your ability to multi-task.
I complete you as you complete the charge
That does fall under my jurisdiction.
Look Science, who scans universe at large
For fabled "fountains of youth" found fiction,
Cast not your wild net so wide and far
That you cannot see this sweet steel hand 'fore.
This hand which shines brighter than any star
And protects you from each and every chore.
You're the one to save me from Time, from Grave.
It is you, my female robot slave.

Hey Switzerland!!!

Hey Switzerland, your time pieces are just pieces of Time! What do you think of that!!???!! Just because you have a beautiful country full of polite people that produce incredible chocolate doesn't give you the right to claim neutrality! Lies!!! You are Time's strongest ally!

I will wear my Rolex to remind me of your infidelity.

Time Kills Salutes Rosie!

Rosie the Robot Maid, we salute you! Your multi-tasking abilities did not save Time, they made Time your bitch!

Time brainf*cked my mother!

Time, that sneaky bastard, stuck it to me this morning as I was casually perusing my morning e-mails. Observe (and enjoy the cuteness that is my mom):
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(Sent Tue, Mar 23, 2010 at 4:19 AM)
Mom: 
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY MEGGIE............................
HAPPY BIRTHDAYYYYYYTOOOOOOOYOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!

Can't you just picture me serenading you in the morning when you don't want to open your little peepers!!!! Anyway, love you and wish we were there for your birthday. Will you have cake!?!?! Be good and have a wonderful time!

Love you,
Mama

P.S.  Can you believe you are 24??????????????  Time sure is amazing, it seems like you were just that little girl about 3 or 4!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Sent Tue, Mar 23, 2010 at 10:44 AM) 
Me: 
Um, Mom..my birthday isn't until tomorrow. As in March 24. Didn't your lady parts remind you of that this morning? I'm sure they remember that day and my abnormally large head very clearly. And yes, I will eat cake. Preferably chocolate. But on Wednesday, when it's my actual birthday. Love you, too.
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Screw you, Time. Seriously. I will never get that digital, birthday-telegram moment back. EVER. You are pure evil.

March & Time = Total Madness

Question: What is a fundamental characteristic of the great game of basketball?

Answer: It is played with TIME constraints of two 20 minute halves.

Question 2: Okay, what else is interesting about these two 20 minute halves?

Answer 2: TIME is counting down, not up!

Question 3: What does this mean?

Answer 3: This means that this month of non-stop basketball is complete "madness!"

Interestingly, it seems that time can run both ways at the same moment. While we watch a game of basketball, we might agree that time (or at least our time) is moving forward or counting up. The seconds and/or minutes and/or hours are increasing. However, at the same moment that we are watching time increase, we may also see the opposite during the same basketball game: time is running out! Yes, during basketball games we are no longer counting up, we are counting down!

How can we live with such contradictory representations of time? If time really exists, which way is it counting: up or down? Is this why they call it "March Madness?"

Madness it is. Apparently, we as humans allow time to go both ways and seem to find it very exciting when we reverse the direction of time in a competitive athletic environment. Ridiculous!

Then again, maybe sports with clocks counting down have it right... I mean the whole thing! With time counting up, it seems that time is totally infinite. With time counting down, time is very finite, and not to mention controllable. When time is counting down, we are killing time in 20 minute increments! It should also be mentioned that in basketball games, you can stop time! A "time out" may be called either by a) yelling "time out," or b) making a T sign with your hand. Badabing, the clock has stopped, time has ceased to count down, and you are in control. This is not to mention that all of these sports with counting down clocks are fun, which we have established as the number one killer of time.

All in all, I believe it is clear or really very unclear what time really is. No one seems to know, illustrating further that time is complete bullshit. It is two faced, disingenuous, and complete madness.

Asia, our most important ally.

I am frankly embarrassed that I didn't think of this before. Hell, we made an entire post about an early-90's cartoon before mentioning the world's most populous continent, and our greatest ally in the fight against time.

How do I know? Over the course of a recent trans-Pacific flight, we flew for 12 long hours but landed 3-HOURS BEFORE WE LEFT! Is the Ring of Fire some sort of magical time warp that we can use to our advantage? No. It's deeper than that. It has to be.

Confucius himself said "Time flows like the water in a river," which means that time must ultimately run into the ocean and become salinated. What does this mean? I have no clue, but Confucius totally managed to make time his bitch, so I say we run with it.

Time, 1; Dinosaurs, 0

Yeah, and look where that attempt at smugness got you, dinosaurs.

Take your time? I don't think so.

Have you ever wondered if you have suicidal tendencies? Well if you use the phrase, "take your time," the answer is yes, you are desperately suicidal. By allowing someone to take THEIR time you are essentially allowing time to kill YOU, in short you might as well be slitting your wrist with a safety pin. Don't tell me to take my time because I sure as hell won't tell you to take yours.

Time is on your side?

Jerry Ragovoy is either an idiot or the anti-Christ.

What's your level of VIP-ness?

Time is a starfucker! We have always know that Time is vain, but this is simply unfair! The concept of the VIP line has always bothered me, why should certain individuals be admitted faster or allowed to park closer? Just because Time is an avid reader of US Weekly and gets its panties in a bunch over the thought of Brad and Angelina appearing at the opening of some hot new club does not give it the right to discriminate. I am sick of Time giving handouts to the rich and famous!

My Ex-Friend

I was at my favorite public drinking establishment last night enjoying some anti-Time beverages with some friends when I made some callous joke about a fellow patron. We burst into hysteric laughter at the poor soul's expense. When we finally regained composure, my then-friend remarked: "Ah, good times, good times." My good humor was shot dead. I got up and walked out without another word. How could I be friends with someone who openly praised time?

Drinking: The anti-time

Have you ever been over-served at the bar one evening, then you wake up to friends telling you stories of things you don't remember? "Dude, you totally barfed in her purse and handed it back to her saying 'no need for change'" or "You went to sleep on the beach volleyball court and wouldn't move because you claimed the season wasn't over."

Your friends are bastards. They are using Time against you. By drinking, you've been actively defeating time by removing its influence on your life. Don't let these so-called friends undo your victory! You are a loyal soldier in the war against time! Those who bring it back are like the Americans who said "Ya know, the Redcoats really aren't so bad. Let's not throw that tea in the harbor."

So grab another pint, friend. And keep fighting the good fight. You're a true patriot. Your friends are practically French.

Further proof that Time is deadly.. and bilingual

Sorry, but it looks like P. Cruz's sassy accent can't even save you from Time's assassin. It has been brought to our attention by some hot Andalusian chick that the Spanish word for time is "tiempo." Now this may seem like a perfectly adequate translation of the Anglo-Saxon derivative, and kind of fun to say as it rolls off the tongue pretty easily, but oh no, Baxter. You are so wrong. It's much, much more than that.

The word "tiempo" in Spanish is a homonym (a link for stupid people). It is used to describe both time and the weather, which totes kills everything in its path via: tsunamis, hurricanes, earthquakes, Dick Cheney, flash floods, tornadoes, heat waves and apocalyptic blizzards that only Dennis Quaid and Jake Gyllenhaal can survive in (Some people didn't have TIME to see '2012' so the references are a little stale, sorry).

So, by several bilingual degrees of separation, we can once again prove that Time indeed kills. What an inconvenient truth. Joder.

"Waste of Time"

I was at the auto mechanic the other day waiting for my car to get tuned up. A lady seemed very angry with the person behind the desk. Clearly things weren't going her way. Perhaps she received some unfortunate news about her car. In a sigh of pure frustration, she sat down next to me and said, "Well that was such a huge waste of time!" Resenting her defense of time's value, I immediately corrected her saying, " No, that is time wasting you!" She moved a seat down from me and started reading a newspaper.

Time is Promiscuous

Time sleeps with the following people, things, and ideas:

Desire, stress, disease, Tom Barry, traffic, hate, uncomfortable chairs, Ben Stein, emergency rooms, cubicles, Keanu Reeves, death, jealousy, the movie Being Human, loneliness, anger, Britney Spears and Kenny G at the same time, losing, waiting, dentists, fear, terrorists, tone deaf people singing karaoke, Wilt Chamberlain (who doesn't?), Mondays, the idea of days, work, deadlines, and unhappiness.

The list goes on, but naming all of Time's 7382 sexual partners is also on the list so I have to stop here.

Who's in your bed?

You know those mornings when you wake up and something just isn't right? You're tired or aching or slightly depressed or immediately pissed off. Well there used to be an old phrase to describe these unfortunate mornings: You woke up on the wrong side of the bed. That just isn't the case. There is no right or wrong side of the bed. You woke up next to time, and you feel dirty. You should feel dirty.