Aladdin Sane

Who is David Bowie?

Just an ordinary glam rock king? Or a gallant legionnaire in the war on TIME?

Sure, he has become an idol of hipsters worldwide, but who can blame him? After all he has paved the way for young males to paint their faces and wear obscenely feminine clothing, not to mention his advancement of the mullet into a new modern era. But the best thing that has come out of Aladdin Sane is not lightning bolt face paint or flaming red mullets, but a recording of such despicable hatred about YOU KNOW WHO! Yes, I am referring to the song simply titled "Time".

Time - he's waiting in the wings
He speaks of senseless things
His script is you and me, boys

Time - he flexes like a whore
Falls wanking to the floor
His trick is you and me, boy

Time- In Quaaludes and red wine
Demanding Billy Dolls
And other friends of mine
Take your time

The sniper in the brain, regurgitating drain
Incestuous and vain,
And many other last names. . .

Bowie, I bow to you. Your poetic bashing of our hated enemy has given me new energy and hope! I will paint my face and wear spandex to honor your vision, your memory. You are a true hero Bowie. . .You are OUR hero!

Stephen Hawking is a minor diety

No one F's Time in the A like Stephen Hawking. The guy makes Marty McFly look like a talentless hack. Mr. Hawking, I wouldn't miss your time travelers' reception for the world.

How to Build a Time Machine

Time Kills Required Reading

Know thine Enemy.

New Zealand hates the rest of the world

We're on to you, New Zealand. You sit down there all smug with your beautiful country, your lack of materialism, and your rugby thinking you don't owe the rest of the world and apology. You're the biggest traitor in the epic battle against Time.

I'm talking about the International Dateline, New Zealand, the icon of Time's dominion over humanity. Each day starts with you, and you're too much of a push over to stop it! Don't tell us you don't have the strength to stand up to Time and say "No more!" Hell, even Micronesia is out there fighting the good fight while you just sit there watching your Tuatara munch on a fricken leaf! Thanks for nothing, New Zealand. The world is paying for your passivity.

Time is a Rapist

Things Time has continually raped:

Africa, Michael Jackson's face (too soon?), the global economy, Dick Clark, black holes, snakes, free speech, Tom Barry (the jury is still out on whether or not this was consensual), the Mets, prisoners, Ben Affleck's acting career, my cat, equal rights (minus the heterosexual Caucasian male), Stephen Hawking's motor skills, Pluto's validity, taxpayers, Dick Cheney's soul, etc.

The list could go on and on.. further suggestions or disclosures will be considered.

Think of the Children!

In attempt to wear out my soccer players today, I had the team run back and forth between cones while I sat on my plump laurels and made fake notes of who got the fastest lap. When the kids were finished, the only one of the bastards I don't hate said to his teammate "what was your time?"

"No, Tyler!" I yelled, "I thought you were different! I thought you had a future! Don't you know that you're supposed to be F'ing Time in the A!?"

The doe-eyed six year old just stared at me, uncomprehending. It seems as though Time has gotten to our children. Dammit Time, not only are you ruining the next generation, you got me fired for telling six year-olds what to do to you.

The Highest Praise!

What is the highest praise any person, place, comment, or thing could ever receive?

"You are the best!" NO, not even close!

"That is the coolest most ridiculously awesome fantastic thing ever!" Not quite.

The highest of high praise is simple, elegant, and of course sticks it to Time like the Almighty Zeus did.

"That is timeless!"

Yes, timeless is the phrase that expresses such supreme greatness that it should be reserved for the most epic of persons, places, comments, or things. So don't go slinging it around to just average greatness!