Who would have thought?

Well its official! Spandex is not always a guaranteed TIME killer. While most would argue (at least from the hetero male group) that watching girls dive around a gym wearing tiny spandex shorts would definitely qualify as a fantastic activity to stick it hard to TIME, I have to disagree. Sorry to all the perverts out there but I would much rather watch the ping pong world championships then line judge another volleyball game. TIME you may have won this round, but I will come at you with a vengeance as soon as I leave that gym floor for the last time!

Google can be on my Neighborhood Watch any day!

Meajan Murray is boring and doesn't do anything fun.

It's a Fact.

Aladdin Sane

Who is David Bowie?

Just an ordinary glam rock king? Or a gallant legionnaire in the war on TIME?

Sure, he has become an idol of hipsters worldwide, but who can blame him? After all he has paved the way for young males to paint their faces and wear obscenely feminine clothing, not to mention his advancement of the mullet into a new modern era. But the best thing that has come out of Aladdin Sane is not lightning bolt face paint or flaming red mullets, but a recording of such despicable hatred about YOU KNOW WHO! Yes, I am referring to the song simply titled "Time".

Time - he's waiting in the wings
He speaks of senseless things
His script is you and me, boys

Time - he flexes like a whore
Falls wanking to the floor
His trick is you and me, boy

Time- In Quaaludes and red wine
Demanding Billy Dolls
And other friends of mine
Take your time

The sniper in the brain, regurgitating drain
Incestuous and vain,
And many other last names. . .

Bowie, I bow to you. Your poetic bashing of our hated enemy has given me new energy and hope! I will paint my face and wear spandex to honor your vision, your memory. You are a true hero Bowie. . .You are OUR hero!

Stephen Hawking is a minor diety

No one F's Time in the A like Stephen Hawking. The guy makes Marty McFly look like a talentless hack. Mr. Hawking, I wouldn't miss your time travelers' reception for the world.

How to Build a Time Machine

Time Kills Required Reading

Know thine Enemy.

New Zealand hates the rest of the world

We're on to you, New Zealand. You sit down there all smug with your beautiful country, your lack of materialism, and your rugby thinking you don't owe the rest of the world and apology. You're the biggest traitor in the epic battle against Time.

I'm talking about the International Dateline, New Zealand, the icon of Time's dominion over humanity. Each day starts with you, and you're too much of a push over to stop it! Don't tell us you don't have the strength to stand up to Time and say "No more!" Hell, even Micronesia is out there fighting the good fight while you just sit there watching your Tuatara munch on a fricken leaf! Thanks for nothing, New Zealand. The world is paying for your passivity.

Time is a Rapist

Things Time has continually raped:

Africa, Michael Jackson's face (too soon?), the global economy, Dick Clark, black holes, snakes, free speech, Tom Barry (the jury is still out on whether or not this was consensual), the Mets, prisoners, Ben Affleck's acting career, my cat, equal rights (minus the heterosexual Caucasian male), Stephen Hawking's motor skills, Pluto's validity, taxpayers, Dick Cheney's soul, etc.

The list could go on and on.. further suggestions or disclosures will be considered.

Think of the Children!

In attempt to wear out my soccer players today, I had the team run back and forth between cones while I sat on my plump laurels and made fake notes of who got the fastest lap. When the kids were finished, the only one of the bastards I don't hate said to his teammate "what was your time?"

"No, Tyler!" I yelled, "I thought you were different! I thought you had a future! Don't you know that you're supposed to be F'ing Time in the A!?"

The doe-eyed six year old just stared at me, uncomprehending. It seems as though Time has gotten to our children. Dammit Time, not only are you ruining the next generation, you got me fired for telling six year-olds what to do to you.

The Highest Praise!

What is the highest praise any person, place, comment, or thing could ever receive?

"You are the best!" NO, not even close!

"That is the coolest most ridiculously awesome fantastic thing ever!" Not quite.

The highest of high praise is simple, elegant, and of course sticks it to Time like the Almighty Zeus did.

"That is timeless!"

Yes, timeless is the phrase that expresses such supreme greatness that it should be reserved for the most epic of persons, places, comments, or things. So don't go slinging it around to just average greatness!

Autumn, The Best Season of the Year

Autumn, and/or Fall is the best time of year. Why you might ask? Because when describing it, never is the word "time" used in reference or conjunction with it. There is wintertime, there is springtime, and there is even summertime. There is no "fall time." Wisely, the season of fall refused time like the rest of us because it too recognizes how much BS time truly is. We commend you Autumn for standing up to time. You are the best season of the year, and your foliage is beautiful.

Time Kills Salutes Meg Murry!

You've wrinkled Time not once, twice nor thrice, but five times! That's better than a Shar Pei. Furthermore, your ability to backtrack in age throughout the span of your quintet book series proves that you hold no regard for chronology, therefore bending Time over once again. You truly are a pioneer in the feminist movement against Time, paving the way for other female renegades, of whom we will recognize in future postings. Also, your name rocks. We salute you!

Time is a daddy killer

It is well documented that Time has been screwing us over since the dawn of Paganism when Kronos, the youngest offspring of Gaia (mother earth) and Uranus (father sky) overthrew his own father. Seriously, Time? Your own pops?

We all know why you did this. Because you were the same insecure, whiney bastard in the Golden Age as you are today and we're sick of it! Adding insult to injury, Kronos also decided to castrate his father. Freud must have had a field day with you, Time.

Punctuality and being On Time

When you are punctual, that means that you are on time. If you are on time, that means that time isn't on you. You are free of time, and in a more perverse sense, when you're on time, you're F-ing time in the A.

Let's Burn Time Down

Time!--thou art a churlish bitch that bites
My heels and drives me, blindly bold, to skirt
Oblivion, construct eternity
Carpe that diem, set the hours alight.

A minute burns easily, too slim to fight
The force with which ourselves we do divert
'Til hours blaze with ardent solemnity:
The tender rage of pyrotechnic rites.

To embers--Time--to dust, to fading light
We turn you. You return; sweet, inert,
To lay your chastened head 'gainst divinity
Fast fading from loosening sinews bright.

You settle over us like ash--thick, light--
Resurrecting slow...until we reignite.

Bad Timing, HA!

She looked at me with those eyes, those big fucking beautiful eyes, those eyes that made me fall in love with her 5 minutes earlier when she got on at the Belmont stop.

"It's just bad timing, I'm sorry." She said.

"You're sorry?" I replied with a snarl. "Why? Because not only is Time choking the life out of me, it's ruining my chances with the girl of my dreams?"

"We just met 5 minutes ago, you don't even know me." She said with a confused look on her face.

"There you go again with Time." I looked up at the ceiling exacerbated, on the verge of a total breakdown.

"You're crazy." She said over her shoulder as she quickly ran out the doors at La Salle.

Sonnet for My Female Robot Slave

With your beep and whir does my heart alight
As I see that knowing, blinkless look cast.
That longing sign of feminine delight
At your ability to multi-task.
I complete you as you complete the charge
That does fall under my jurisdiction.
Look Science, who scans universe at large
For fabled "fountains of youth" found fiction,
Cast not your wild net so wide and far
That you cannot see this sweet steel hand 'fore.
This hand which shines brighter than any star
And protects you from each and every chore.
You're the one to save me from Time, from Grave.
It is you, my female robot slave.

Hey Switzerland!!!

Hey Switzerland, your time pieces are just pieces of Time! What do you think of that!!???!! Just because you have a beautiful country full of polite people that produce incredible chocolate doesn't give you the right to claim neutrality! Lies!!! You are Time's strongest ally!

I will wear my Rolex to remind me of your infidelity.

Time Kills Salutes Rosie!

Rosie the Robot Maid, we salute you! Your multi-tasking abilities did not save Time, they made Time your bitch!

Time brainf*cked my mother!

Time, that sneaky bastard, stuck it to me this morning as I was casually perusing my morning e-mails. Observe (and enjoy the cuteness that is my mom):
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(Sent Tue, Mar 23, 2010 at 4:19 AM)
Mom: 
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY MEGGIE............................
HAPPY BIRTHDAYYYYYYTOOOOOOOYOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!

Can't you just picture me serenading you in the morning when you don't want to open your little peepers!!!! Anyway, love you and wish we were there for your birthday. Will you have cake!?!?! Be good and have a wonderful time!

Love you,
Mama

P.S.  Can you believe you are 24??????????????  Time sure is amazing, it seems like you were just that little girl about 3 or 4!!
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(Sent Tue, Mar 23, 2010 at 10:44 AM) 
Me: 
Um, Mom..my birthday isn't until tomorrow. As in March 24. Didn't your lady parts remind you of that this morning? I'm sure they remember that day and my abnormally large head very clearly. And yes, I will eat cake. Preferably chocolate. But on Wednesday, when it's my actual birthday. Love you, too.
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Screw you, Time. Seriously. I will never get that digital, birthday-telegram moment back. EVER. You are pure evil.