New Zealand hates the rest of the world

We're on to you, New Zealand. You sit down there all smug with your beautiful country, your lack of materialism, and your rugby thinking you don't owe the rest of the world and apology. You're the biggest traitor in the epic battle against Time.

I'm talking about the International Dateline, New Zealand, the icon of Time's dominion over humanity. Each day starts with you, and you're too much of a push over to stop it! Don't tell us you don't have the strength to stand up to Time and say "No more!" Hell, even Micronesia is out there fighting the good fight while you just sit there watching your Tuatara munch on a fricken leaf! Thanks for nothing, New Zealand. The world is paying for your passivity.

Time is a Rapist

Things Time has continually raped:

Africa, Michael Jackson's face (too soon?), the global economy, Dick Clark, black holes, snakes, free speech, Tom Barry (the jury is still out on whether or not this was consensual), the Mets, prisoners, Ben Affleck's acting career, my cat, equal rights (minus the heterosexual Caucasian male), Stephen Hawking's motor skills, Pluto's validity, taxpayers, Dick Cheney's soul, etc.

The list could go on and on.. further suggestions or disclosures will be considered.

Think of the Children!

In attempt to wear out my soccer players today, I had the team run back and forth between cones while I sat on my plump laurels and made fake notes of who got the fastest lap. When the kids were finished, the only one of the bastards I don't hate said to his teammate "what was your time?"

"No, Tyler!" I yelled, "I thought you were different! I thought you had a future! Don't you know that you're supposed to be F'ing Time in the A!?"

The doe-eyed six year old just stared at me, uncomprehending. It seems as though Time has gotten to our children. Dammit Time, not only are you ruining the next generation, you got me fired for telling six year-olds what to do to you.

The Highest Praise!

What is the highest praise any person, place, comment, or thing could ever receive?

"You are the best!" NO, not even close!

"That is the coolest most ridiculously awesome fantastic thing ever!" Not quite.

The highest of high praise is simple, elegant, and of course sticks it to Time like the Almighty Zeus did.

"That is timeless!"

Yes, timeless is the phrase that expresses such supreme greatness that it should be reserved for the most epic of persons, places, comments, or things. So don't go slinging it around to just average greatness!

Autumn, The Best Season of the Year

Autumn, and/or Fall is the best time of year. Why you might ask? Because when describing it, never is the word "time" used in reference or conjunction with it. There is wintertime, there is springtime, and there is even summertime. There is no "fall time." Wisely, the season of fall refused time like the rest of us because it too recognizes how much BS time truly is. We commend you Autumn for standing up to time. You are the best season of the year, and your foliage is beautiful.

Time Kills Salutes Meg Murry!

You've wrinkled Time not once, twice nor thrice, but five times! That's better than a Shar Pei. Furthermore, your ability to backtrack in age throughout the span of your quintet book series proves that you hold no regard for chronology, therefore bending Time over once again. You truly are a pioneer in the feminist movement against Time, paving the way for other female renegades, of whom we will recognize in future postings. Also, your name rocks. We salute you!

Time is a daddy killer

It is well documented that Time has been screwing us over since the dawn of Paganism when Kronos, the youngest offspring of Gaia (mother earth) and Uranus (father sky) overthrew his own father. Seriously, Time? Your own pops?

We all know why you did this. Because you were the same insecure, whiney bastard in the Golden Age as you are today and we're sick of it! Adding insult to injury, Kronos also decided to castrate his father. Freud must have had a field day with you, Time.

Punctuality and being On Time

When you are punctual, that means that you are on time. If you are on time, that means that time isn't on you. You are free of time, and in a more perverse sense, when you're on time, you're F-ing time in the A.

Let's Burn Time Down

Time!--thou art a churlish bitch that bites
My heels and drives me, blindly bold, to skirt
Oblivion, construct eternity
Carpe that diem, set the hours alight.

A minute burns easily, too slim to fight
The force with which ourselves we do divert
'Til hours blaze with ardent solemnity:
The tender rage of pyrotechnic rites.

To embers--Time--to dust, to fading light
We turn you. You return; sweet, inert,
To lay your chastened head 'gainst divinity
Fast fading from loosening sinews bright.

You settle over us like ash--thick, light--
Resurrecting slow...until we reignite.